June, 1995
Note from
2001: There has been recent attention to this little piece from the good and
maligned people of Rufus, Oregon. This
is why I love the Internet. This piece has sat on this server for six years.
Pretty much forgotten by time and eternity. But thanks to search engines, my
travelogue to Rufus has been noticed a time or two! So I am providing the link
to the City of Rufus and I remind people that I am just another moron human
being with a keyboard and my opinions are like everyone else's... they are governed
by the input I'm given, the mood I'm in at the time and probably what I had
to eat that morning. It is highly likely that I could visit Rufus again and
find it quite charming. So Please do check out the Rufus site and here are the
e-mails I received condemning my condemnation, along with my replies.
Heather
| Sabrina
Lovesexy and I'm back in Portland!
On Saturday I drove down to Portland to spend the weekend recording music with Trevor before diving into a few day's worth of work. On Saturday night Trevor and I recorded our first song ever which turned out quite nicely. Also on Saturday I had the pleasure of meeting Don, publisher of the Zine "Ride Theory" who was pleasant. The three of us ate dinner, graciously prepared by Trevor.
After recording the first song ever (entitled Short One), we ate a nice dessert at Rimsky Korsacoffeehouse and then went back to Trevors where we chatted for a while and then went to sleep.
The next day Trevor had to work, so I
decided to take a drive out into Eastern Oregon -- clear out to Phillipi Canyon, which is
past the piddly town of Rufus. I drove into Philipi Canyon until I reached a 3 way branch
in the road, all three branches had signs saying they'd blow my head off if I drove on
their land (Viva NRA! Such responsible use of guns...). I figured my Camry was a sure sign
of unauthorized presence, so I put my tail between my britches and got the sam-hell outta
there. The scenery out there was pretty desolate and I figured the inhabitants were
probably more so.
I drove back to Rufus for some gas. Rufus is a town with a very stable gene pool. I pulled into the BP and said, "Fill it with Super." "O.K." was the reply. Genuine 1995 Goob fillin' up my tank, just missing the Jughead cap. Hey Ain't Bea...
Anyway, I went inside to get a Coke and
some candy bars. I plopped a Coke and two Pearson's Salted Nut Rolls on the counter.
"Z'that ull?" The alledged guy behind the counter said. "This and the gas
in the Toyota out there." He went to the cash register and pushed about 45,000
buttons very very slowly. Then he came back and said, "Thet'll bea Too Fifteen."
"And the gas?" I said.
"Wut?"
"The gas."
He just stood there.
"In the Toyota," I said. "The gold car there," I added, in case this was his first exposure to a Camry.
He looked like I had hooked 9-volt batteries to his nipples. He just twitched and muttered parts of sentences.
I supposed that being Gene #7 our of a
9-gene gene pool, this was pretty much all I could expect.
At this point gene 8, Goober, came in and noticed that Gene 7 was going into convulsions over simple arithmetic.
"Somethin' wrong?" he asked.
"Guy's got sum gaess in that there Toyoter." Gene 7 mumbled.
"'s $23," Gene 8 said.
"Got sum food, too."
Gene 8 stared at the food I picked out about 2 hours before. After the full inventory of a coke and two Pearsons Salted Nut ROlls has fully lodged in his apparently functioning brain he said, "How much them Nut Rolls?"
Gene 7 looked over at him and announced,
"Stuff's Too Fifteen!"
"Too Fifteen?" Gene 8 said.
"Yeah." Gene 7 said.
Gene 8 ambled (or did he mosey?) over to the cash register while I was waving my credit card in the air above my head. As if it were a flag of truce. Surely I could not combat such brute force stupidity. He watched my credit card like it was a dancer in Reno.
After using the cash register to add $23 and $2.15 he proudly announced, "Twenny Five Fifteen."
Actually, I should note that when both Gene 7 and Gene 8 proudly announced something they did it with no emotion or exclamation. The change was very subtle. Like from being totally asleep to being very very very drowsy.
"Gunna pay fer that in cash?" He
asked as I waved my Visa.
"No," I said, "I'll use this Visa Card!"
"O.K."
So I got back in the Camry and started the engine. I wanted to make sure that they filled the tanik all the way -- especially for $23. I watched the needle move very very very very very very slowly from 1/4 tank to F. It took about three minutes. It was a slow at the trained professionals at the rufus BP.
I am certain that if I asked them what BP means they would have said, "What'ya mean? It means BP!"
Today I went to work and it turns out that I'll be in Portland until Friday.
J. LeRoy
BVI
Our Founder