1992
I wrote in the first issue about my friend who told me that she hadn't come out to her family as a socialist, let alone a bisexual. I think that this is another interesting point in the realm of coming out. Coming out basically means breaking the news to someone that your world-view is different from the one that is most popular. Because this world-view is not the most popular, there are going to be some aspects (either real or imagined) of it that are unpopular and those aspects are the ones that cause people the most troubles.
The reason that it is so important to come out about our sexuality is because it is a cue about our relationships. When people assume that you are heterosexual, their perception of your relationships with people of the other sex tends to be over-valued, while they under-value same sex relationships. In telling other people that you are not heterosexual, you are inviting them to share in your joy of relationships.
Unfortunately, this usually happens in less than ideal circumstances, where there is an air of shame, secrecy and/or rage. This greatly impares the invitation to share in this joy, at best coupling the joy with the shame, secrecy and/or rage.
Once someone comes out, most seem to go through a weird period where they try to tell everyone they come into contact with. "WAHOO! I'M A LESBIAN" or "HOT DAMN! I'M BI!" They scream. To which other people either react highly negatively or hardly at all. As I said in my first piece, my friends were quite unimpressed.
Since I wrote that piece, I actually did
fill my mother in on everything in my life. Actually, it was a slow process that,
surprisingly, worked. I just told her things about my life that would make her wonder,
until finally she just asked my, "So, are you and Ann Bi?" and "Are you two
non-monogamous?" To which I answered, "Yes," and "Yep." What a
deal of fun that was.
I was really surprised that it worked that well. I had been telling Ann for months that it would work, but when it actually did I was amazed. I felt so lucky not to be attacked by my mom for who I was, that I wanted to run all through Omaha screaming "HOT DAMN! I'M BI AND MY MOM UNDERSTANDS!" I think I would have gotten mostly negative reactions to this, though, as most people in Omaha are not my friends. Plus, it was about 3 in the morning.
It's always dramatic times like 3 a.m. People generally don't come out at 3 in the afternoon.
In the first article, I mentioned that many people don't come out to other people because they feel that it is none of their business anyway. Hand-in-hand with this argument is that many people see coming out as taking a position and labeling themselves. They are not comfortable with all of the perceived characteristics of a given label and believe that labeling themselves will be like admitting to every characteristic or stereotype of that label. Others do not want to "pigeon hole" themselves and feel limited by labels.
The problem here, as I see it, is that to
label yourself is, indeed, to limit yourself. On the other hand, to avoid labels is to
deny yourself. Self-denial is the major problem in people whose lives do not fit
comfortably into the socially accepted molds.
To illustrate, I will use clothing. People are supposed to be individualistic in the US. Many people try to highlight their individuality in their fashion statement. But that statement, while it may be socially shocking, usually still falls within societal constraints. Some boy may wear an In God We Trust, Inc. T-shirt to school and get in trouble and be seen as a rebel -- but if that same boy wore an In God We Trust, Inc. knee-length skirt...
In this respect, women have been a lot more vocal than men. Currently, a woman can wear just about anything and no one will go ape-shit about it. Personally, if I wouldn't be arrested for it in several states, I would much rather wear skirts because they are more comfortable on hot days. It is totally stupid to gender specify cloth.
And in this statement we can see the real problem with labeling. It is not how we label ourselves, but the labels that society imposes on us that do the real damage. Because I made the statement that I would rather wear a skirt on a hot day, society would immediately label me a cross dresser, but actually I would be better labeled as a comfy clothesist -- or one who wears comfy clothes. I am not comfortable with the term cross dresser because it legitimizes the gender politics of clothing which I think are invalid at best.
If we plug this labeling problem into the
heterosexual, monogamous, capitalistic, Christian matrix, we get all the problems with the
United States today. Someone considers themselves heterosexual all their lives and then
one day they kiss someone of their gender and they think, "Shit! I'm a fag!" Or
the equally common experience where someone is in a monogamous relationship and has sex
with someone they care about other than their partner and the whole world goes crazy,
"Shit!" they say, "I love someone else!"
And that can go on and on. The point is that all people have to look at themselves and decide how they deal with the world. If they like the way that they deal with the world, then they should be free to deal with it in that way as long as it doesn't violate the freedoms of someone else. That is how people live authentically. That is why people should try to come out when there is a chance to. Society is not going to wake up one day and say, "Well! Guess I'm ready to deal with everything out of the norm today!"
Recently I heard someone say, "It took me two years to deal with my sexuality, I think I can give my mom a little time." And this is really important. We have to be out and visible for people to see us and start to deal with us -- whatever we are.
BVI
Our Founder